Committed Relationships: Pathway to Healing

There are many paths to understanding what it is that we need to work on in order to learn our lessons facilitating our higher selves.

Nothing however, is as effective as venturing into a long term committed relationship. It is only within the realm of this dance that our buttons are pushed in such an exquisite and unmistakable manner reminding us of our unresolved psychological baggage.

The healing of this baggage allows our ego to get over itself, which in turn offers us more consciousness, clarity, and wisdom. This offers us the availability to be in our truth, walk our path with integrity and come from the witness perspective.

As spiritualists, we know that the perspective of the witness is like Shakespeares’ quote, “All the worlds a stage and all the men and women merely players.” We want to witness our own play, but from the perspective of the audience. This can only be accomplished if we do our inner child work. Thus being in an intimate, committed relationship is a good vehicle for this.

Seeing ourselves more clearly commences when we first meet someone we are particularly interested in. The conscious reasons are evident and show up first. Some of these conscious factors are physical attraction, chemistry and synergy, and as time goes by similarities regarding values, quality of life, goals, etc.

However, the subconscious attractions which are apart of this normal process of attraction also exist. This subconscious perspective focuses on the fact that further down the road, after the honeymoon is over (three to six months) we find that this person has an uncanny ability to poke our buttons (these buttons originate from our family of origin and speak to the issues of the psychobabble tag of “the inner child.” This buttons surpass the adult and go right to the place where reason and maturity fail to hang out. It is the place where once pushed we are at the mercy of our emotional acting out child.

From this perspective we act and say things that we don’t really mean, thus having to do major damage control to put our relationship back in order). Now, when we are still in the honey moon phase and possibly for some time after that, we are prone to ignore some of these emotional jabs or deny that they were of consequence. This is where the old cliche comes in, “that love is blind.” You hold onto the hope that what just happened was not that big a deal and that the bigger picture combined with what you know about this person is more important. Hence you continue on with the relationship discussing what has occurred hoping to contain the upset.

Once we decide that there are more positives in the relationship than negatives, we step up and commit to one another. Once our psyche realizes that we are crossing the threshold of intimacy and commitment, we unknowingly open up our subconscious Pandoras’ box of expectation and entitlement.

It is at this point that we begin to realize that this person who we love and who says loves us has the ability to bring out some of our worst features. Though this is normal and occurs in every serious relationship, we are not pleased by the results, nor do we want to experience the pain and craziness that gets manifested.

However, it is the exact job of our spouses subconscious to bring forth these issues so we can see what it is that we still need to work on. I often say to my patients, that if we were in a higher state of Buddhist mind, we would thank our spouse or partner for making us so crazy, while helping us to realize what we have not yet healed in ourselves.

Now of course, this is an ideal and most of us live in the mundane world of reactive human beings. Therefore, we knee jerk first and offer apologies and insights later. This is understandable, however the point is still germane, we are here to do our work and any vehicle is a good one. Therefore, the balance between having our reactions coupled with post traumatic insights, while gaining wisdom is the key.

How you react gives you a great deal of information as to what is still in need of healing. Remember, your spouse or partner will poke your buttons, but no one can make you feel something. Therefore, how you choose to respond is on you. Thus you must be accountable and apologize to the other person and to your self for your reactions, and then do your work to heal them.

As spiritualists we know that as we heal our psychological baggage and become more conscious, more whole, we can embrace our higher selves. From this embrace, we are more empowered and able to be the the witness who can learn his/her lessons without having to be part of the play.

~ Gary Richman |


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