Archive for November, 2010

Relationships As Spiritual Practice

As the egoic mode of consciousness and all the social, political, and economic structures that it created enter the final stage of collapse, the relationship between man and women reflect the deep state of crisis in which humanity now finds itself.

As humans have become increasingly identified with their mind, most relationships are not rooted in Being and so turn into a source of pain and become dominated by problems and conflict. Many live alone or are single parents, unable to establish an intimate relationship or unwilling to repeat the insane drama of past relationships.

Others go from one relationship to another, from one pleasure-and-pain cycle to another, in search of the elusive goal of fulfillment through union with the appositive energy polarity.

Still others compromise and continue to be together in a dysfunctional relationship in which negativity prevails, for the sake of the children or security, through force of habit, fear of being alone, or some mutually “beneficial” arrangement, or even through the unconscious addiction to the excitement of emotional drama and pain.

However, every crisis represents not only danger but also opportunity. If relationships energize and magnify egoic mind patterns and activate the pain-body, as they at this time, why not accept this fact rather than to try to escape from it? Why not cooperate with it instead avoiding relationships or continuing to pursue the phantom of an ideal partner as an answer to your problems or a means of feeling fulfilled?

The opportunity that is concealed within every crisis does not manifest until all the facts of any given situation are acknowledged and fully accepted. As long you deny them, as long as you try to escape from them or wish that things were different, the window of opportunity does not open up, and you remain trapped inside that situation, which will remain the same or deteriorate further. With the acknowledgment and acceptance of the facts also comes a degree of freedom from them.  (more…)


Betrayal, Affairs and Lack of Trust

By far the most viewed page on my website is the one about lack of trust in a relationship.

Many of my coaching clients speak of their fear of being betrayed by a partner, or perhaps a friend or even colleague.

In this article I would like to explain why we have such fears and show how we can manage them and re-build trust. I will look at it from two angles, the betrayer and the betrayed.

We betray people when we feel our needs are not being met in a relationship. If we started the relationship by falling in love, those needs would have been fulfilled perfectly in the beginning.

As time progresses, both partners reduce the amount of giving and receiving of love and then either start fighting or drift apart. Whatever we feel is now missing in the relationship, is the thing we may be tempted to search for in another person. This may turn into an affair or be simply thoughts and fantasies about other people. So the trick is to re-discover those qualities that were so obviously present when we met our partner. This may be as simple as having an honest chat about what is missing for each other in the relationship and then giving that very thing. Unfortunately, it’s not always that simple…

Even if we have not been betrayed, we may fear that our partner will stray and may become paranoid or jealous. How can we deal with these feelings? It’s not about trying to change our partner, we must look at ourselves. This might surprise you – We have a fear of betrayal because we do not trust ourselves!

At first this might seem preposterous but let me try to explain. Everything we fear tends to appear in our lives. If betrayal or the fear of it is a recurring pattern in our lives, then at some deep unconscious level we believe we have betrayed in the past or have the potential to betray somebody. We then fear that the same thing will happen to us – we have a belief that relationships will always end in betrayal.

This means that in our formative years we probably had an experience of being abandoned or betrayed. It may not have been a dramatic event like being left, but we may have felt the pain of being let down or emotionally abandoned. As we probe deeper into our minds we find that every resentment or negative belief we harbour about somebody, is mirrored in a belief about ourselves. Therefore, if we believe we have been abandoned by somebody, then we also feel guilty that we have abandoned them.  (more…)

House of Mirrors and Diagnostics

Although everything in life is a reflection, we are, at a much more conscious level, interpreting what is being mirrored as something we wither want to maintain and continue, or more likely, something that’s our-dated and past due for inspection and repair.

We are being forced to look at all of our parts.

And by that, I mean our extensions into our world – our relationships, our living situations, our jobs, our ways of being towards ourselves as well as towards others.

And through this integration of the soul, we are learning how to discern what of it is a lesson, and what need be well enough left alone.

We have operated on monkey mind for a millennium, but going forth on monkey mind mentality is proving unattainable.  The volume has been turned up in order to experience on a much deeper level and an in-your-face fashion the order of the day.  We are abruptly feeling the effects of our relationships with ourselves as suddenly, more than ever, it becomes apparent that all things point back to that one center.

And as we grapple for old ways of solving, dated ways of combating the mind, and just plain start running scared, it is the running that’s coming into ever clearer focus.  The running of mental tapes topped high with impurities and poor resolution.  Then somehow we begin to take stock and realize that we need to stop running, that it is the running that needs to end.  Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally- on on levels- we are exausted.  And we are realizing how much of our precious time, energy and resources are being poured into the self-maintenance and continual feeding of a way of being that has gotten us nowhere for a very long time.  (more…)

Our Disowned Selves

How is it that we can be irresistibly attracted to an individual and find them impossible at the same time?

What is about certain people who know exactly how to push our buttons and constantly trigger us. Why is that opposites attract? Or after being married for a while our partner says “you are not the man or woman I married.” How is it that someone who appears to be in a stable marriage has a myriad of secret attractions and even affairs?

Disowned Selves

The answer to many of these questions lies in what is known as our disowned selves. First of all, let it be stated that the human psyche consists of a series of multiple selves. If you ever feel that 15 people live inside you, you are right. Some of the selves are primary in that they constitute our personality – how we know and perceive ourselves. For example, the businessman who is rational, analytical and powerful but never vulnerable. Then there are a multitude of selves which are disowned. We are not conscious of them but they can impact our behaviour in a powerful way.

Regarding the example of the business man, his repressed disowned selves might be represented by his emotional, vulnerable side. For him to become this would mean that he’d be a wuss, something he disrespects. However, we can be assured that he is probably married to an emotional and vulnerable woman. Sometimes he adores for this feminine side and other times she makes him crazy since he regards her as hysterical and weak.

A disowned self is an energy pattern in our psyche that has partially or fully been excluded in our life. It can also hold our unhealed wounds. Every time it emerges it is punished or disapproved of by someone or our inner critic so we shove it back down. To know your disowned selves, all that you need to think of is someone who you intensely dislike or overly admire.  (more…)

Who Fears You?

The people you fear are those with whom you have had challenging karmic lessons, lifetimes in which they caused you great pain or fought with you on every level. These interactions have left you scarred and afraid of them and of others like them.

This is your personal battle with the most dense and darkest energies and were part of the vast learning that you intended to accomplish so you could understand and transform polarity. Yet they created within you a deep fear of others’ power and caused you to hide your light so it could not be used against you. What you have yet to learn is that the fear you have of others is far less than their fear of you.

Those who hurt, challenge, betray and deny you are afraid of your light and who believe that if your light is allowed to shine it will reveal their imperfections and weaknesses.

And they are afraid that you will learn their secret, that they are powerless and full of fear and believe that love will destroy what little power they believe they have. So they use your fears to control you, to make you believe that they are more powerful.

At many points during your lifetimes together you gave them love and were willing to show them the path to their light and they responded by destroying you physically, spiritually or emotionally.

Now many of you have returned to face these energies and you feel that you are in battle for your life.

You feel powerless before them, weak in their presence and are afraid to fight even though you feel this is required if you are to recover your power. Do you see where you are re-living karmic challenges on a material level that actually exist on the spiritual realm?

Do not limit your understanding to what is happening on the material plane as these are greater challenges occurring on much higher levels and revolve around your willingness to allow your light to shine brightly with everyone.  (more…)

Key Points in Finding Good Mates

Athough this series of questions was compiled and sent to me by urban American women in their thirties, focused on themes regarding the significant relationships between men and women, the discussions and responses will prove useful for almost everyone.

Before going into the questions specifically, I want to raise some general points about mate oriented relationships that should always be considered first.

1. Prior to addressing the question of how mate type relationships work, it is very important to consider what the purpose of the relationship is. The purpose of the relationship may change the dynamics considerably so it is very important to be as honest as possible with yourself about what is currently your agenda for the relationship you want. What is the purpose of the relationship you are looking for? Raising children, companionship, learning, paying off karma, keeping an agreement, to avoid being lonely, for sexual expression and release, for physical affection, for emotional release, for emotional support, for financial support, for playing out dramas, for personal therapy and healing, to look good, and so on. You may say it is for all these purposes or for only some of them, however, it is better to know exactly what you are looking for. You may say, “I just don’t know”, but that would be lazy.  You do know and you can answer that question if you just look more closely. It will certainly help you get clear.

One thing that can help here is to consider the four pillars of vitality: true work, true study, true rest, and true play. If you look closely, you will see that these relate to your purpose in being in the relationship. Is this a partnership that is more about getting your life task done? Do you want to be involved with this person because they work in the same or similar field as you and can help you get where you want to go? Is it a relationship that enhances your learning in an area that is fascinating to you like a research partner? Do you want your relationship to be more about play and just breaking up the seriousness of life, perhaps someone just to have fun with? Is the purpose of your relationship to be a respite from the hard knocks of life, more supportive and restful? Perhaps you want it to be grounding and to provide much needed financial support.  (more…)