The Betrayal and The Blessing
I had a crush on someone else at the time and you had just gotten back with your girlfriend. We had both recently been divorced and were exploring personal development.
We met on crew at an Anthony Robbins event.
During the course of that weekend, we became acquaintances and eventually friends later on.
We remained in contact over the years, returning to crew again a few more times. You came to my 30th birthday party and even insisted on catching up for dinner before I moved to Japan a year later. I spent most of dinner rambling on about my ex partner and our failed relationship, but it was nothing compared to the bittersweet ending that we went through.
A couple of years later, we reconnected on Facebook.
You had just separated from your girlfriend at the time and I had been single for about four years. The next few nights were spent online engaging in lyrical journeys, YouTube dedications and ‘tongue and cheek’ conversations till the early hours of the morning. For the next five months, we spent nearly every weekend together – until the night you had an indiscretion .. with a friend of yours.
Fast forward to this time last year – we were engaged. It was an impromptu proposal on your part, in your flatmate’s bathroom, one night after a shamanic journeying workshop with a shaman. At the time, I still didn’t know of your indiscretion. You had only mentioned half of the truth – that you had pashed some random girl in a night club.
Well … half a truth is a complete and whole lie.
It has now been over six months since we broke up and I am finally moving on – without you. Yes, Bono got it 50% right. You’re not the only one who has outright claim to being cheesy.
Let’s go back to that infamous night.
…… (the rest of this chapter is to be continued in the forthcoming book) ……
Partners tend to push each other’s buttons. Anything that is not resolved comes up to the surface for healing. Your partner becomes a mirror and shines any aspect of yourself that is hidden or unacknowledged. I realised that you had some issues in previous relationships and your own childhood upbringing. Don’t we all? Your mother had cheated on your father and left him, as did your first wife.
There is a tendency to repeat unconscious patterns or behaviours. Perhaps your wound was one of fear of abandonment or fear of not being worthy or good enough. Sometimes we attract partners that remind us of this energy and play out the same energetic sequence or the exact opposite. Wounds hidden deep in our psyches will manifest in the form of challenges, drawing people, circumstances and events towards us that mirror back to us lower parts of our unconscious selves for healing, acceptance and integration.
How we choose to respond depends on our level of consciousness and the degree to which we have healed those wounds and integrated our shadow. If we do not do the inner soul work that is required to evolve, authentic fulfilling relationships may be a distant figment of our imaginations.
Being in a relationship with you showed me how accommodating I was – and how easily I allowed myself to be taken advantage of. I trusted implicitly that you would operate from the same level of integrity and honesty that I did. This assumption proved me wrong, time and time again. Simply sharing an interest in personal and spiritual development would not be enough to sustain a relationship.
Although he loved Jim Rohn, Dan Millman and even Deepak Chopra, their work seemed to be limited. He would listen to their CDs frequently – and yet despite his success in martial arts, he seemed to only ever a ‘black belt’ on the physical realm and perhaps on some level the mental realm. To me, he had not mastered enough of his emotional or your psychological world to engage in any relationship with real depth and intimacy – certainly it was not my place to make him if he did not want to go there. I know it sounds like I am being judgmental.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting that I am perfect and have it all figured out, but I am consciously seeking to explore and understand all realms within relationships. I want to be consistent in all areas of my life – not to show up as a black belt ‘sensei’ in just one area in the public arena and contradict myself in another area.
I did not understand how someone who was equipped with the tools to look into their psychology would do something so out of character until I realised that we are all operating from our unconscious core wounds, often from past relationships and in particular, parental dynamics when growing up – let’s not even mention the past life ones here. The degree of personal and or spiritual development comes from weathering a storm in relationship to oneself and with another.
Superficial relationships that only scratch the surface do not give depth and growth and are counter-intuitive to relationships based on real depth and authenticity.
Eventually, I learnt that despite wanting to give ji, the benefit of the doubt and hoping he might sort yourself out, I could no longer hold that space for him. He were not willing to really look at the things that held him back (yet) from being in intimate and vulnerably authentic relationships. We shared a karmic connection from a previous lifetime but he was never really comfortable in exploring the vast terrain and inner landscape of the soul with(in) himself, much less with me.
In hindsight, I accepted that we are all at various stages on our paths of evolution.
Quite often, ‘soul mates’ will enter each others’ lives to help each other go through the lessons that our souls had agreed on experiencing for our evolution. Some of us forget this pact as our ego personalities railroad the soft murmurings of our soul. One of us eventually does something or says something that changes the dynamic of that connection and like an egg timer going off, that’s the end of it.
Our sacred contract was over.
The betrayal turned out to be a blessing in disguise – they usually are.
All my fears, weaknesses and vulnerabilities would never have seen the light of day had you not had indulged in the indiscretions. I would not have known how much I suppressed certain behaviours in order to appear in control. I would not have seen how fierce they were. My petty jealousies and insecurities would not have been brought out into the open to be dealt with had you not pushed my buttons in such a way – as to force me to be able to look at myself. I would not have seen my flaws and areas of weakness in order to be able to work on them.
I would also not be connecting with so many amazing people right now if I did not create the space for more authentic and conscious relationships, nor would I be meeting men whose raw honesty and intimate truth-telling from get-go has been quite refreshing, as has been their open frankness in sharing their relationship experiences. It no longer has to be akin to drawing blood out of a stone anymore.
I know where I’m at and am so much more grounded in that deep reservoir of knowing these days.
You did me a favour .. and I now look forward to the next relationship that blows me away.