Personal Reflections on 2013
Another year about to end… and what a relief, ’cause it’s been a damn delirious doozy!
Is it even possible to distill a year’s experience in a page or two? Many of us out there went through the mac daddy wringer of all cosmic washing cycles. Like groundhog day, it seemed as if the cosmic dial was stuck on repeat. Just when you thought it was the final FINAL rinse, the dial went back to the start position for another spin… for the zillionth time. Being dumped by freaky tsunami waves and clawing my way out of the quagmire of my psyche’s quicksand happened more times than I cared to count.
Some of you know what I mean.
The paradigm shift that is upon us has nestled itself into the bosom of our cosmic heart and brought with it a chaotic cacophony of sometimes comical proportions, as much as it has epic catharsis, epiphanies and rebirth. My own personal journey reflected a fluctuating *shift*storm, but somehow managed to bestow some genuine surprises upon me from the universe. Who knew she could be a cosmic fairy godmother in drag disguise?
This was probably one of the most intense years this decade for me. I know I wasn’t the only one.
A part of me found myself oscillating between self-censorship and brazen transparency – conscious of the stories I put on my own experiences and as much as I don’t want to be dictated by ‘negative’ experiences, I do want to honour and acknowledge the journey that brought me ‘here and now’ without judging it. Many tell us to ‘drop our (old) story’ – in favour of telling a new, more empowering one and I agree to a point. Being a Jungian ‘therapist of the psyche’, I’m not one to indulge in spiritual bypassing and I have no qualms about dancing with my shadow and embracing nuggets of gold that seek illumination, integration and compassion. Being somewhat of a shadow whisperer, I’m no stranger to its presence – as watcher and sentinel during the last decade or so.
This year was particularly intense witnessing it collectively take hold and observing the triggers and projections of others, as well as my own. As they say – “if you spot it, then you’ve got it” which pretty much means if we see it in others, then it’s a pretty good indication of something internal to look at from within – basic Shadow Work 101. It was bloody fierce in 2013. I saw its ferocious manifestation everywhere. Perhaps, I asked for the mother of all purges, and got a fractal frenzied version of epic proportions. What better way than to have many reflections – freaky, fabulous, fucked up, and fantastic – being mirrored back at me?
Time was speeding up and a sense of manic urgency hovered around like a cranky old fart. Cosmic tasks were being dished out for many who signed up for the mission and the lessons were coming in fast and furious. I may be speaking/writing in tongues for some reading this – but this is more for me to express myself than to be understood. I spent over half the year living in Bali (that’s another blog article in itself) where I was given a couple of opportunities to discover, recover and reclaim my sovereign self.
I wrestled with a couple of deeply traumatic health issues and wondered what was in store for me. Since 2010, I had been a bit of a recluse and hermit, withdrawing into my cave to sculpt an evolving relationship with myself, my psyche and the soul of the world. At the beginning of 2013, things did a 180 degree turn when I arrived in Bali.
Truth be told, I was catalysed out of a paralysing domestic situation and a gale force wind sent Dorothy out of Kansas and down Alice’s rabbit hole. For the first few months, I was initially part of an internship which resembled an experience that could only be described as Big Brother meets Survivor meets The Apprentice.
My fascination as a discerning observer is probably the one thing that seems to be a naturally honed gift. At times, depending on my grounding or who I was with, I found myself veering into judgmental territory, despite acknowledgement of my shadow’s own crafty nature. I saw its cunning and mercurial side, but thankfully, part of my warrior psyche was a vigilant door bitch guarding that door to usurp any uprising.
What I’ve noticed is that this year has been the year of intense shadow and polarity work for many. Both individually and collectively, it surfaced just about everywhere and anywhere, highlighting a need for humanity to move into harmony with each other as sentient beings and bridge that gap between separation, judgment and condemnation.
Instead of seeing something as right or wrong, an invitation was extended to being more accepting of the other shades and hues of perspectives. Numerous battles, challenges and Mexican stand-offs were fought – online and off – but there were also many splendid moments of magic, serendipity, as there were surprising connections and synchronicities when we surrendered to the soul’s higher vista and deeper heart resonance. That’s why I liken it to more of a dance than a boxing tournament.
I found much solace and comfort with those in cyber space and some Facebook connections seemed to provide a much needed source of support in the darker hours of the soul. I began to drift further and further away from some friends in ‘real life’, as I know many on this journey do – not because they weren’t wonderful human beings in their own right – but because I needed to tend to my own sacred garden in my own way.
I also found that Facebook is only a snapshot and sound byte of who we really are. What we post and share reveals a fragment of our beliefs and part of our identity, but not the whole. We are not just our profiles and the perceptions people have of us. Many of us make and lose friends for how we come across online – both old and new – like a trippy turnstile all too quickly. There is often little compassion for truly understanding each other’s dispositions. Some judge our path without fully knowing the back story of what we go through offline. During my recluse periods (on and off since 2010) – where I hardly went out, but was actively engaged online – I lost a few friends who thought I was becoming some kind of cult fanatic because of the things I was posting. No doubt, many of you experienced this. You know the ones who judge you because they see you actively engaging on FB and think you have all these ‘friends’ online, but don’t understand why you choose solitary time for your own soul’s sanctity.
Truth be told, who ‘I was becoming’ sought a different resonant field of connection and expression. People shifted in and out of my experience more often than I changed my underwear. I longed for a community of souls who truly ‘got me’ and shared similar passions. I found a few of them – they just weren’t on the same continent. Strategically placed at various planetary grids, they were guardians and keepers of the new energies coming through on the planet. I understood this and that we all have our unique parts to play in the unfolding tapestry of a new matrix.
At the end of 2013, I found myself longing for my soul tribe to be in closer proximity to me. You could say I felt a bit starved. There was a deep ache to be in communion and connection with kindred spirits who understood each other’s journey. This may be my third NYE in a row (going into my birthday) that I spend it in my own company. Such are the winds and vicissitudes of life. I know 2014 will be different.
As co-creators of a new field of expression or matrix of possibility, we allow ourselves to widen the lens and scope of understanding and meet each other in the space of the non-local noosphere. Connections form. Conversations begin percolating and before long, ideas and collaborations start incubating. Projects get birthed and dreams start manifesting.
I met an incredibly diverse bunch of people – some challenging, others surprising and a few rather special. It was in these personal dynamics that I learnt more about myself, as one does. I befriended more people this year than any other year I can remember. I experienced more diverse emotions and a broader spectrum of situations than any other year. So I penned the prose below…
I hope that your journey has been monumental in the most sublime ways and as we approach the tail end of this year, I hope serendipity and synchronicity continue to bestow untold gifts of magic, wonder and awe into the next and beyond.
Danced with my shadow and other people’s to the edges of love and beyond.
Cried incessantly at the drop of a hat at any movie, song or moment.
Secretly sucker punched myself when catching myself out for not showing up.
Stood my ground when pierced to the core of my vulnerability and transparency.
Embarked on nightly sojourns as inter-dimensional sentinel on grid duty.
Reconstructed my trust and faith in humanity one breathe at a time.
Recognised a soul’s true essence, even through wounded layers of emo padding.
Honoured those who triggered deep traumas within me so I could heal.
Slept like a newborn baby stepping out of time-space continuum to birth the new.
Loitered around the cracks of my wild gypsy soul more times than I care to admit.
Pummeled my fears and wrestled with its insidious claws time and time again.
Laughed like a wild hyena riding a broomstick on banshee crack.
Licked my wounds clean in a whimpering mess in the wee hours of the morning.
Begged myself for mercy when I least felt deserving of it.
Learned to let go… every alternate day and delirious night.
Allowed someone to enter the jagged stained glass shards of my bohemian heart.
Loved myself back to divinity and wild-eyed spunk during stolen moments of grace.